In Silence We Live

I bet you couldn't look at me and tell that I have suffered from depression. I bet you couldn't look at me and know that I have contemplated suicide over a thousand times. They say never to judge a book by its cover, and this is true. You can't just look at a person and know what they are going through. You can' t just hear a person speak and know which direction their life may be going. You have to dig deeper, look deeper. Life is so much more than what the eyes can see because a whole lot of people are hiding their true emotional state behind a smile.

At times I keep things bottled up to myself because I have always felt as though what others are going through is worse than what I am going through. For example, someone dealing with cancer and me dealing with mentally abusive people. I know, how can you compare the two? Well, I just always felt what I was dealing with wasn't worth telling folks when all it has done for me over the years is kill my spirit and kill who God called me to be.

So many people suffer in silence. So many people don't know what to do with the emotions that they are feeling. So many people would rather just end their life because we feel it is easier than living our lives.

We may not say anything and live our lives in silence, but that voice in our head keeps getting louder every day. Some would say, what's wrong with you, you aren't dying. I may not be dying, but at times, living is hard. At the end of the day, no one can determine how another person feels and reacts to the issues of their lives. What may seem too hard to handle for you may not be too hard for someone else to handle and vice versus. There are a multitude of reasons why people contemplate suicide.

Not too long ago I dialed The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) out of concern for a friend. I was shocked to find that I was not only placed on hold after being on an extended hold before anyone ever picked up, that people actually are placed on long holds to get help. I explained to the first lady who finally answered my call that as long as it took to get an answer, I could have killed myself. She quickly and nonchalantly dismissed my comment and asked me what did I need help with. I told her that I was fearful of leaving my friend alone because they told me they wanted to die more than once that evening. She proceeded to place me on another hold to wait for the next available person to assist me. I hung up after being placed on hold to wait. No one called me back.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline states and I quote, "The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We're committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness." My greatest concern is that, what if someone dialed in as people do who may have suicidal thoughts and they are placed on hold or don 't get connected to this 24 hour a day, 7 days a week national support system immediately and have the next thought that influences them to go ahead and end their life because their attempt to get help has once again failed them? This is really troubling. As a matter of fact, my same friend the following day or so called back into the line and informed me of being on hold to speak with someone over 30 mins. I have many concerns. My first concern is that either there are way too many emotionally distressed and depressed people or not enough people equipped to handle the enormous amount of calls that are coming in or both. Clearly the ratio is off for there aren't enough assistants to callers. I pray that they are able to improve crisis services within their own network to be able to immediately give people the assistance they seek.

One of the hardest things I have had to do in life and this year has been to try and talk someone out of killing themselves. I can't recall ever having anyone around me when I use to have suicidal thoughts. Therefore, I have never told anyone aloud that I wanted to die. To hear someone you love and care about cry out that they have nothing to live for when you are sitting right next to them is a devastating feeling. I can't imagine being the help on the other end of the professional lifeline and attempting to save people with my words. It was very difficult to verbalize to someone face to face how important they are and that they still have a purpose to fulfill on this earth and that it isn't their time to go.

Each time I have contemplated suicide, my following thoughts would be of my children. I could never go through with relieving myself of my pain simply because of the pain I knew I would cause my sons and my family. One time I told my youngest son that I wanted to run away. He looked at me and so sincerely expressed to me that if I ran away, what would happen to him. I hold his words and the expression upon his face in my heart to this day and at times when I use to have those thoughts, I would remember that day. My sons have always been my reason for not giving in to the enemy and the negative thoughts that comes with his lies. I know that God has me here for a reason. I know that God wouldn't put me through anything that He didn't know I could handle. I am more than a conqueror. I am an overcomer. I am the victor.

I want to encourage anyone who is reading this blog and is feeling suicidal to not be discourage. Know that every day is a new day to get better and change your life and the way you feel about yourself and your life. We aren't promise to live forever on this earth but what I do know is that God didn't create you to remove yourself from His equation. You are here for a purpose. Keep striving to get better and be better. Find a reason to keep going. Don't keep quiet. Don't live in silence out of fear. Don't listen to the voice of the enemy. Allow the voice of God to overpower him. God is for us. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is always here for you. There is so much more to life than what you are going through right this very moment. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is another chance to be the victor. You are not alone. There is hope in tomorrow.

Dear people, check on your friends and family members. Talk to them and make sure they are doing okay and if they aren't please listen to what they have to say and try to get them the help they need. Love can heal. People need to be shown that they are loved.

Marcia S. McNeill

Words By Marcia

Poet| Author| Songwriter

Inspire| Uplift| Motivate