In 2017, I published two books. One at the beginning of the year in February and the other the last day of the year December 31. Looking back on the goal I set in 2017, I should have published my book "The Best of Me: The Poetic Reinvention" on the first of the new year 2018. You know how we can be about accomplishing goals for the new year. I pressed submit on my self publication and went into the year 2018 feeling like a boss.
The same month that I published my book I had agreed to end a toxic relationship where we were both depressed. I had to set us both free regardless of how much I wanted to still be involved. You know, how you put your all into a relationship. You put your time and faithfulness into a person only to have it dissolve into nothing. Needless to say, the beginning of the year we were still connected as if we hadn't broken up a few days after Christmas. I mean hell, Black Panther came out in February 2018 and who goes see a movie of that caliber with an ex? Slowly raises hand embarrassingly, me. You know how breakups can be. I mean Black Panther was the movie of all black movies. Black families went in droves dressing up in traditional African clothing representing and showing up to see that movie. I even went a second time and took my sons to see it. So you know what I mean. However, the relationship was deader than dead without the possibility of resurrection. And who wants to keep beating a dead horse. I severed all ties around March 1st with a Dear John letter after finding out my ex was a liar and a cheater. Now that is a story for another day.
Prior to February my ex had a hand in helping me out with my book release/birthday party January 12, 2018.
March 16, 2018 I went to Apache to perform spoken word and my car was broken into.
March 18, 2018 I went to visit my grandmother and great grandmother after church and told her about my mishap with my car being broken into. Unbeknownst to me, it would be the last time I would ever have a conversation with my grandmother at her home.
March 23, 2018 I did my own spoken word event.
March 24, 2018 My grandmother was taken to the ER and admitted. She had had a stroke the day of my event.
April 4, 2018 One of my best friends ceased communications with me because I told her "I need new friends".
July 19, 2018 my grandmother went home to be with the Lord after being hospitalized from March 24 to July 19th.
2018 was a tremendous year of grief. I was grieving the loss of my grandmother, a relationship, a friendship, belongings from my car which all tail spun me back into a situation with an abusive ex from years prior that I ended up trying to buy a house with. A house I went to close on that I didn't end up with . Life just wasn't looking up for me. Did I mention the previous year I had a failed business relationship with a friend of my ex who became my friend and ended up owing me a tremendous amount of money? To which this year, I found out that I will never get back. However, I have chosen to forgive him. It was a lot going on.
I had a book and didn't put any effort into it because of my concern with my grandmother being in the hospital. I stopped performing at open mic nights. I just basically gave up the rest of my year. It was tremendously difficult for me to do anything but worry. I felt like I should have placed more focus on her healing than on my life being in shambles and entertaining my abusive ex whom I nicknamed the devil's minion. I have since forgiven myself for the ways in which I chose to cope during her time in the hospital.
At the time I didn't know that God was doing me a huge favor by not allowing me to get the house I was trying to get. Within six months God had ended things with the devil's minion. God is good and prayer works!
Everyone loves a person who say yes. Everyone loves a person who gives and gives without thinking of what it would do to them. I have always been the type of person that has been there for everyone. I have found myself taking care of and fighting for people, supporting people and investing in people when they would never have taken care of, fought for, supported or invested in me.
You give of your time. You give of your love. You give of your friendship. You give of your money and you are left with absolutely nothing. How is that fair?
Sooo many unfair things. The majority of my disappointments have been connected to other people. Even in 2022. It isn't fair!
However, Let me tell you what I know about God. God promises to pay you back double for the unfair things that have happened! Not some, not a few, ALL the unfair things. So I KNOW God has me and God will surely pay me back double for the unfair things that have happened to me in the mighty matchless name of Jesus 🙌🏽💯
It is happening right now as I type. It is true. Every time I turn around I see blessings after blessings. I cannot wait to give my full testimony cuz I am waiting for the biggest reveal before telling my story. Oh and it is amazing simply because my story is a part of God's story. Praise God!
I will continue to be still and wait on the Lord, knowing that God is God!!! The Amazing One!! I am a true Believer! Praise the Lord. Thanks be to God!
Marcia S. McNeill
Words By Marcia
Poet|Author|Songwriter
Inspire|Uplift|Motivate