The Grateful Me (An apology to my Grandma)

I am so happy and grateful now that God has kept me and blessed me to see another day. I knew that the day would come when I would "feel" a sense of urgency. Urgency to get back to the life that I was creating for myself. I didn't know how long it would take. I didn't know when it would happen. I just knew that one day I would wake up and "feel" the urge to get back to the grateful me.

July 19, 2018 was one of the saddest days of my life, with the other being July 25, 2018. You see on the first day, my grandma Carolyn Ann Farmer transitioned from earth to be with the Lord our Savior in Heaven. Her funeral was on the second day. I will always remember the time and the place I was when I got the news that my grandma was non responsive. I will always remember the time and place I was when I got the news that she was no longer with us. Two different calls on the same night.

Though the loss of my grandma here on earth with me was devastating, I am so happy and grateful to know that she is no longer suffering. I am so happy and grateful to know that she is no longer in pain. I am so happy and grateful to know that she is able to talk now in heaven with God for her last months with us here on earth, she was unable to speak. I prayed for her voice to come back before she left not knowing that she would in fact be gone so soon. I prayed to hear words behind her eyes. My prayers were never answered for now I believe that her prayers superseded mine. I believe that her prayers were to be free from the pain and condition that her stroke left her in. I believe God answered my grandmother's prayers. Though I will never understand why she had to go the way she went, what I do know is that her love will never leave me and God doesn't make any mistakes. My grandma fulfilled her purpose here on earth and now needed to continue her bigger purpose with God beside him. That's what I choose to believe.

My grandma was a very strong women. She survived a life full of happiness and pain. She beat Cancer four times, three different types. She taught me a lot and was very proud of the woman I had become.

She was always asking me when the next book was coming out and when was I going to sell one of my songs. She inspired me as did my mom by motivating me to do more than just write. They both wanted me to take action and come out with more and more. I am so happy and grateful grandma that I was able to publish my fourth book, my third poetry book before your passing. On your last birthday (69th), January 19th, 2018, I gifted you my latest book. I am so happy and grateful that I was able to write a new poem about you and share it with you. I can look back on the memory of you telling me that I wrote the wrong year of your birth. I am so happy and grateful that I was able to change the date. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to give you the updated copy.

I am so sorry grandma for not giving you a copy of my third book before you left because I felt it was too explicit for you. I didn't have that right to deny you that and for that I am sorry. You left here owning three out of four of my published books. I know now, that you have already read my book in heaven. I pray that you approve of my alternative way of utilizing my creativity. My dad doesn't and probably will never approve of my third book, but I know that God gave me my gift of writing and He did not limit my abilities to just one genre. I am so sorry grandma that you only got to see me perform my spoken word once, for I only started performing. However, I am so happy and grateful that you were able to see my last self made show March 23. You were admitted to the hospital the very day after. So yes, it has been hard for me to perform. I'll never forget that night. It taught me that I should be living more for today and not waiting around for things to happen.

Grandma, I am sorry that I missed coming to see you on the week that you passed. I had been faithfully coming to see you every week and when I missed coming that Sunday, I just knew I'd be able to see you on Friday. I still haven't forgiven myself for not coming to see you. I know that I shouldn't hold on to this, but I just can't help it. Maybe one day I can forgive myself. When you got transferred to the nursing home that Wednesday, I knew I should have came right on over after work. Being too tired, is an excuse I should have never used. I am so sorry grandma. I didn't and Thursday, you were gone. For this, I am so sorry. I can't help but feel like, and I know this is selfish, but if I had of came after work on Thursday, maybe you would still be here. This burden I carry is so great that I don't know if I deserve to put it down. This is just how I feel. How do you get forgiveness from someone who is no longer here?

My grandma transitioning taught me that even when life's greatest obstacle is in your way, you must take time and still find a way around it. I shall focus on the great memories I have of you knowing that you would want me to continue to write and be better than I was before you left here. Grandma, the struggle has been tremendously difficult for me to write and perform and promote my books. I know that I should have never made your death my excuse for being less than great. Please forgive me grandma. Know that Marcia will be back to her greater self to make greater things happen. Your love grandma, surrounds me. I shouldn't waste another moment not doing what God called me to do.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to write, was the poem for your home going. One of the hardest things I had to speak, was the poem I did for your home going. But, I know that in my lifetime, it won't be the last hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

I promise you that I won't give up grandma, because I know that you would not want me to. I promise you that I will continue to fight the negative and be stronger than strong. I promise you grandma that I won't die because of an argument with other people. I promise you I won't allow people to continue to bring me down. I will focus on the positive and bring people up. I know that God has me here for a purpose and I know that I have to be greater and better than my former self and who I am now.

Please keep watching over me. Knowing that to err is human, and though I make plenty mistakes, I am not my mistakes. I am not the negative things of my past and present. I am a positive future. I love you grandma. If there was some way for you to come back here to me, I would give myself away so that you could be here. I will not let the enemy win. I will live and not die.

Please forgive me,

Your #1

Marcia S. McNeill