Diary of a Disappointed Black Queen|Ch 1|The End of Winter

March 1, 2018

First, let me start off by saying, I am not mad. No, no, no, no, no. I am not mad. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I am not mad, I am very disappointed!

Though anger anchors my heart to my chest like an enormous yacht to the shore, I am not mad, I am very disappointed!

Though rage makes me want to destroy an entire house like a ravenous hurricane, I am not mad, I am very disappointed!

For decades, and I have only lived a few, I have been controlled by my emotions for other people. My feelings to be loved have been placed under the strain of wanting to be connected to some of the hardest people to love in life. I, Serenity Stone, once only wanted someone to merely love me for me. This desire turned into me wanting someone to love me how they wanted me to be. Which was far from who God created me to be. At times, left with the question, what's wrong with who I am? Why can't people love me for who I am? What is wrong with me?

How does it even begin to be fair that the two people who hurt me the most, are able to live happily ever after lives while I struggle to make peace with the rubble of what I allowed them to do to me? I want to know, how is it fair that I am stuck in this icky mud of sadness while they are both floating on their individual clouds of happiness? While I am stuck wondering if they even think about me? Do they think about me and how I was left to feel? The damage that was revealed and done, the torment that was caused as they've moved on with their lives. Where was my silver lining? When they are looking deeply into the eyes of the ones they love, can they feel my excruciating pain? Can they see it, my torturous pain? Do they even remember my name? Or feel the guilt of their shame?

I am not mad, I am disappointed. Disappointed for allowing myself to be smothered by my own love for another person. I am disappointed about not letting go sooner. I am disappointed in ignoring the signs and the many red flags. I am disappointed for not really listening to the words that were being pressed into my inner thoughts. I am disappointed in trying to make something work with someone whom I knew loved someone else. I am disappointed that I allowed myself to be used, abused and ultimately defeated by an unworthy opponent. This is why I am disappointed.

I have loved many a time and many a time, love has loved me back. But it always comes either too soon or not fast enough. You know I don't even know if that makes sense. I love the idea of being in love with someone. I love the notion of calling someone mine and they call me theirs. I once felt it necessary to always be in a relationship. Before one situation would end, I would have a backup plan so to speak in play. Until one night that all changed. I remember that night as if it just happened and not several years ago. If I knew then what I know now, I would have opted to not fall in love the first night we met.

To be continued...

Marcia S. McNeill

Words By Marcia

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